Stuck in Korea

This Dokdo thing has got out of hand. Yo-yos, beer adverts, random posters and even T-shirts featuring Snoopy declaring "Dokdo is Land of Korea" are everywhere these days. And this is not a conversation that you can have with 99% of Koreans because they start foaming at the mouth and grunting "Dokdo Korea land" should you bring the subject up.

For those of you who don't know, a few questions answered...

Q. So who's arguing about Dokdo then?

A. Japan and Korea. Korea owns it right now.

Q. There must be a lot of people living there if everyone feels so strongly about it, huh?

A. Er, no. Actually no-one lives there, but Japan and Korea allow their citizens to register themselves as residents of the islands. Helps justify their countries' claims, you see.

Q. Well, even if no-one lives there, they must be pretty big and rich in natural resources to justify all this anger

A. Again, not really. The two islands are both 100-metre tall rocks, and the total land area, give or take a few hundred square kilometres, is about 50 acres. There are a few birds that stick around once in a while and a few fish in the sea, but other than that, there's bugger all of interest.

Q. This is starting to sound ridiculous. So what's Korea's claim to them based on?

A. Well, Dokdo was featured on Korean maps for hundreds of years. Plus they built a lighthouse and a helicopter pad there in the 50's.

Q. And Japan?

A. Their claim's based on the fact that they annexed in in 1905 and lost it again after the second world war. You'd have thought they'd realise that territorial claims dating back from the early 20th century - not Japan's finest hour - ought to be dropped.

Q. So why has it suddenly become a problem these days?

A. Some dumb Japanese foreign minister made a poorly judged remark about Dokdo a few years back, and a school history textbook in Japan came out a couple of years ago which claims that Dokdo is Japanese.

Q. Aah, so the next generation of Japanese are being indoctrinated into believing that the islands are Japanese, then?

A. Um, not all of them. In fact, the textbook is only being taught in two schools in the whole of Japan.

Q. But the Japanese public feels pretty strongly about this issue though, right?

A. No. They don't really give a toss, apart from a tiny group of ultra-nationalists (Japanese equivalent of the BNP), but they're the sort who think that Tojo had the right idea, Nanking was an accident, etc. etc.

Q. They look to me like a bunch of uninhabitable worthless rocks. Why are the Koreans so pissed off about it?

A. Fucked if I know. But they really hate the Japanese.

Q. So much anger from everyone, I'm beginning to despair. What can we do? Do you propose a solution, oh great and wise Stuart?

A. Indeed I do. Take a look at the islands:


Perfect for Battle Royale... 

The caption says it all. Take a randomly selected class of unruly schoolkids, arm them and set them loose, just like in Battle Royale (if you haven't seen the film, then you need to watch it. Now. Stop what you're doing and go watch it right now). Japan and Korea can alternately use the island (which will now be called "the arena"). Or even pitch two classes against each other! Japanese shoolkids versus Korean schoolkids. I have never before seen an island so perfectly suited to a teenage gladiatorial fight to the death. You'd need to build a ropebridge or something so they could get between the two islands.

That would rule.

I played Goldeneye too much at university...